sorry that was awful. nobody reads this anyway, so it doesn't matter. all of it is really just mind slate. vomitus i can't keep cerebral. pain i can't medicate. sound that refuses to remain silent. but the last ladybug of the season keeps clinking against my lightbulb and wonder when she'll die, or burn the fuse, or call her gentle mantis to take her away give her a couple of larvae for purpose. accident. i would have said something more refined, but i cried the last of my intelligence into my sweater. sat sobbing for the blood of people i never knew and still i felt the metal split between my ribs. what they love is farce, what they breed is fear.

outside

in the wake of skeletal snow covered branches and streets slick with the frozen liquid, i've only got so much heat left in me before i wretch it all up out my weightless skull as i dance and fall into death beneath the avalanche of god running endless on wispy beard and brothers' blood, remember when eden was so quiet, the lions were perpetually stuffed and sleeping, we dangled by the river with our fingers in the water, reflections of reflections imbuing one beautiful and self-contained prism, but the sky has frozen into bricks and we pick the air like poisonous grapes, every bite filled with the metallic taste of blood crimson swishing in our mouths, all of it worthless no end something you can't break the letters that don;t speak only the guitar strings in summer than bring you back to the grass matted children patterns, nothing, nothing, the sound an echo now, the words only breath, useless. garbage.

desperate

i was called again after the firehouse ran out of water and the fellas were left to wring their acid guts for the beer they wasted on commradery and pleasure, when they got to me i was totally delusional, eating canned sardines and weeping into my own miserable ejaculate stains, while you slept so harmoniously, you feverish nude, with dreams of gardens and opium and garbage bag winters taking walks along the road and ridding the world of the trash it had created, but you slept nonetheless, soundly, the soft slosh of an almost empty three dollar bottle of wine titling upwards, down your throat, as you drank to the pillow, gnawing on the thought of food the nonstop reguritation of a birthday party celebration still ringing the balloon pops in your ears, remember when they were so young, and they shat themselves with a smile, the days were unbearably long but filled with the slight buzz of happiness, the neuroflood of scenes inside the screen when we held each other and slapped back the devil with another bow to the floor, splintered our heads and kept going because we were in love with the rhythmic motion of the prayer, the salutation you learn crossing the street, the monster you feed under the bed when the children go to sleep, to keep them disciplined, to force them to listen and to love you, the wildness of the thoughts as they grow in paranoia-rick soil, the mental ravine we all get caught in and eventually learn to orangutang our bodies through the vines, thorns, sleeping sloths, murder in the jungle, blood on the leaves, death hanging stealth deep in the bark of the trees, rings, again, rings again, faster than it can explode the thought is out of you, you called for me and i was awake waiting and nervous, but i'm here and none of what you said ever made sense to me, i was completely lost to begin with, stop.

Patholodge

Illinois darkness, winter approaches
flicks you in the face
as you step off the evening train,
cars packed tight on the street
and no one can see
the warmth beneath the eyes
hidden under long coats and hats
no pinkish cheeks swaddled by scarves
no color, only dark steel bodies
of rolling machines and it makes me
miss new york all the more
with the lights resuscitating the city
through the long winter, keeps it
beating with amphetamine IV deep
in the core of the beast, all of it
working together all the time
all the time, faster than a thought.

prospects/delusions

I saw a beautiful girl sit all alone on the train and i had not the courage, not the impetus to tell her i loved her, though i did not know her and though i did all the same, she was calm as the moon, delicate as piano notes, equally pale but a woman i could keep, her hair shock bright, bleached blonde like california but her hips belonged to a goddess and i would remain content for the rest of my commute if we said not a word to each other, only kisses for half a moment for me to press her lips into mind and glide my hands down those hips to grasp the bulk of her buttocks and hold her muscle alive and warm and real in my hands for a lifetime, but the chance never does come and my stop is too soon approaching.

Unkempt

i had no idea what to say to say in the first place, love wasn't as simple as a bear trap it was more like hunting for grizzlies without a shotgun and i left all my liquor down by the river, the next thing you know she's got a tab on the movements of your eyebulbs and when you find the pen you'll forget where you left the paper, it's the same thing over and over, a falling piano, dawn-tinted cobblestone streets and cigarettes and coffee next to the blackened river, down by the port your lose yourself, untie your shoes and start saying things you would never do in the presence of friends, but this is different, you are a fish with wings, you a snowball tossed in blood, you are a pilot with a feather obsession, the ink and paper and the octopus are all for show, nothing but a cabaret cut loose from the strings and a marionette swinging to the breakdown, so typically incoherent I hate myself again for permitting my own liberty, but here it is as a second, an instant of nothing, of vomitus onto the screen, kagney and carter with their bowties, looking down from the balcony remembering the fiery edge of summer and humming in their sleeves, beautiful, nasty and altogether absent. what a putrid nuisance of words so far.